If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.

- Hemingway

French men make me sick, always have done. I'm degenerate, but they are dirty with it. Not only in the physical sense either, they have greasy minds. Other foreigners may have garlic on their breath, but the frogs have it on their thoughts as well.

- Flashman

Saturday, 19 March 2011

'I Fought The Law And...', well, the RATP won.

Well, I’ve had better days. That seems the best way to start off an account of a day which started badly, got steadily worse and was only saved by a bit of rugby, though even that was in some horrible rain so I’m not going overboard about the rugby.

Started off alright, would rather have not slept through my alarm – or in fact, got up, turned it off and fallen asleep again – but I can deal with that. Just had to shower and get out the house. A half-eaten packet of digestive biscuits doesn’t constitute my normal breakfast but hey-ho. It was Friday, I was knackered after a tough week.

I was also receiving my long overdue transport card that afternoon from the club. My last one had expired and I had been getting by with bought tickets and chancing my arm. Given I was already late I couldn’t be bothered standing at the machine and buying a ticket. I hadn’t for most of the week, and due to the odd open door/gate and some commuters teamwork I had managed to get through the whole transport system and pop out at the Boulevard Raspail with no ticket. How very Parisian.

And so typically, when I arrive at Denfert Rocherau to change from my suburban railway onto the metro (requiring the validation of a ticket), it’s crawling with RATP employees, with one big chap strategically placed by the door that many commuters just pile through ‘unvalidated’. There was tension in the air. I had to think, and fast. I knew I didn’t have a valid ticket, and watching some old chap getting hauled back after his ticket failed and a subsequent attempt at legging the barrier didn’t fill me with confidence. I pulled an old ticket from my grubby pocket, put it in and received a loud negative sounding beep and a red light.

A woman came over and took my ticket, asked me something, I explained it didn’t work. She knew this already. We were discussing my issue in French, asking me questions about how I had got this far with this ticket which she knew had been used on Monday...I was caught out. So I did what any Brit abroad would do and played the dumb foreigner. She was having none of it. 40 Euro fine – bang. I was having none of this. I started to check the exits, maybe I could leg it back onto the train and get off somewhere on the sly. I had momentary visions of a Paris wide manhunt, me versus the RATP, hiding in baggage compartments as staff were mobilised at every station.

But I didn’t have the cojones so got my wallet out instead. Though I still had one last throw of the dice. Normally I would be ashamed to say something like this but was I heck paying 40 euros to this woman. I played the Racing Metro card, went all out, emphasising the word ‘metro’. It worked. For today, she reduced it to 25 euros. What a lovely woman you are, nice to see some solidarity between the transport workers and the club...yeah yeah whatever.

So this, combined with problems on the metro that I eventually got on made me half an hour late. When I eventually arrived, getting 15/20 in my phonetics test was not enough to lift me from my gloom.

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